We humans have natural tendency to boast on superficially accumulated behaviors inculcated to our character building which are objected as positive attributes. Little are we educated on implications of our actions. Following those footprints right from my childhood one attribute was rooted consciously deep inside me - to be bold and to speak out the truth. Being the clay doll I molded myself into those blueprint guidelines with inner pride and later started becoming the root cause of many small trivia's.
Innocent truth:
The first time I remember observing hurt were in the eyes of my maternal aunts. They dint had children of their own and hence I was always showered with unconditional love and care. I obviously used to enjoy being pampered and used to act a little spoilt. Being a c-sect, immuno depressed baby at that age of 4-5 I had a pathetic appetite and hardly ever used to enjoy food. Hence used to look after the slightest of excuses to respite myself from eating. So many a times whenever they used to cook their best, I used sight the food not being tasty as an excuse and escape. On one occasion, on our way to my maternal house for an invitation my mom warned me that whatever, however, I should never tell that the food is not good enough as it hurts my aunties. So after lunch was served, I started fiddling with the food. As usual the concern aroused and I was asked if the food tastes O.k? I immediately responded that I am not suppose to comment. So naturally it followed with the next question, why? And the answer was I am acting as mom asked me to. Then after a series of small interrogation the stupid me replied bluntly that mom told me even if I don't like the food I should never say so. By then my mom lost all her patience and just took to me. I still remember vaguely that I ended up sobbing badly and repeatedly saying that I just told the truth. Though it was not my age to understand hurt, pain, emotion...one thing I totally understood that though I said the truth, but it was not right.
Blurted out white lies:
With the process of growing up I self learned the implication of truth and lies and that there exist something more important..white lie. I also learned that the easiest among this all is to speak the truth out. I am always an escapist from complications and hence naturally loves truth. But what astonished me is how I myself learned telling white lies just to avoid hurting others. I was in 9th standard then. We were having load shading and I was studying with a hurricane on. I could hear banging on the door of our tenants and finally on our door. On opening the door I saw a lady with uncombed hair, shabby appearance yet elegant features wearing torn clothes standing in our door. She asked me the whereabouts of our tenants. They were not at home at that time. When I asked about her identity, she told that she came here to ask for some alms/help as she is very hungry and dint had food for quite some time. And when she told me the address of her house I immediately got to know who she is and though my parents too were not at home I took the call to ask her inside our house. I knew from my tenants who happen to be student of her father that they had seen their good times but due to circumstances the whole family became bankrupt and almost came to road. Their dad was a teacher of fame of a reputed school but passed away suddenly leaving the children's with just a house and nothing else including education. They were three sister and one brother. Their brother too separated once he started earning himself and now eyeing the house to sell it off. If so, these unmarried middle aged sisters will be of nowhere. So they just do little bit of tailoring work and manage food just to stay alive. Sometimes the students of their father who are well established people of the city now, takes pity, get them food and clothing. But of course that is not a regular solution. After coming inside , the first thing she told me is that she is very hungry and hadn't had food for last few days. I offered her some food and she immediately accepted. While gulping it the conversation progressed. She looked around the room and asked if that is our own house. I don't know till date what stopped me but I denied. She took it for granted that we are tenants and became a little easy and told we must be paying huge rent for such extravagant rooms and I readily agreed. Then she asked if we eat fish everyday? My dad is a fish lover and considering the easiest of the items to be cooked, any middle class family prefer having fish and curry and rice as their daily palate. But to that also I could not agree and lied partially with one word...sometimes. By then she became more comfortable and told considering the heavy rent we might be paying, definitely it is not possible to have fish rice in every meal. She asked me the menu for that days lunch and I stopped with rice, dal and veg fry. She pitied me uttering the words: Oh no Fish! She asked me when my parents will be back and I replied that I absolutely have no idea. She told that now that she is full, she is worried about her sisters as they are also hungry. I offered her some food that was there is the house and she readily accepted. I also gave her little money I had access to and she thanked me and left. That day for the first time I was feeling pride to lie as it comforted her and could make her talk to me freely. Perhaps even if I would have told the truth, things would have been same...but I always fear reservation. At that age only I was aware that may be I cannot share her pain , sufferings and agony life holds for her. But even if for a little while, she could share her pains openly which she might not have opened up otherwise. Might be that the lies or denial to whatever I had was unnecessary but I really never had the courage to proclaim myself as a lucky princess who had access to luxury compared to them and highlight their life and sufferings even further. Even not for a single time I felt guilty for lying. Life taught me to lose my pride of being bold in its own terms. White lie….the lie which is told to comfort others it was.
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